The Things I Learned In The Principal's Office
by idkgirl27
Summary: All Butters wants is to be taken seriously and he figures that if he learns to be 'bad' then no one will mess with him anymore and who better to have as a teacher in that subject then Mr. Craig Tucker himself? The answer? No one. Craig/Butters Crutters


**A/N: Hello everyone!**

**Well this here is my first Crutters fic! That means Craig/Butters.**

**Why?**

**Because I love the idea of these two!**

**Anyways….**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

Craig's eyes, usually dark and apathetic, can't help but show a spark of interest as Butters sits next to him. Maybe he shouldn't be too surprised because there are only three seats and just like always Craig chose to sit in the middle so it wasn't as if Butters could've avoided him. The real surprise is that Butters is here in the first place.

Craig spends a good amount of time here for his not so good behavior. So much so that waiting outside of the principal's office has practically become a hobby.

It's not that he's really that bad of a kid because everyone knows that the real troublemakers are Stan and his group of friends but those boys are practically immune to consequences and Craig's not so subtle middle finger is pretty hard to miss when it's directed straight at the face of whom ever happens to look his way. Craig's not even sure why the school even bothers with him anymore because he's not changing his habit of flipping people off especially if these people are just a bunch of idiots that were put on Earth to annoy the hell out of him. Though it's been awhile since Butters was on the receiving end of Craig's infamous middle finger he still definitely falls under the category of 'annoying as hell' people.

"H-hey there, Craig!"

It's as if Butters is out to prove a point because really who sounds that happy to see Craig? No one's ever happy to see Craig, even Craig grimaces whenever he sees his reflection.

One peak out of the corner of his eyes only confirms that Butters is indeed just as stupid looking as he sounds. His hair is falling loosely around and is unkempt, his eyes are just big and blue and so fucking bright that they're practically sparkling, and a wide toothy grin stretches across his blushing face.

Craig's not even sure how to address someone as idiotic as Butters so he doesn't and just keeps his head facing forward.

"Jeez, I sure hope I don't get into too much trouble. I really d-don't wanna get grounded again. Well, I just got ungrounded yesterday! I know that I oughtta learn to behave myself but I just don't ever seem to learn a th-thing…."

Blaming it on curiosity would be a bit of a stretch because that would imply that Craig cared and Craig doesn't ever care he just simply wants to know.

"Why exactly are you here?"

Somehow Butters eyes widen even more because he really wasn't expecting Craig to show any interest in him but Butters is just happy to not be in yet another one sided conversation even if Craig's question was a bit simplistic in his mind.

"Well, 'cause I got in trouble, Craig."

Craig gets the sudden urge to facepalm but stops himself when he remembers that facepalming is an annoying trait shared by idiots.

"I meant what did you do to get sent here?"

"Oh, well, ya see, Eric he…. he p-poked me real hard with his pencil. Actually it wasn't even his pencil 'cause I had to let him borrow one of mine. I just h-hope he d-doesn't forget to give it back 'cause my dad says that if he doesn't then, well, then I'll get gr-grounded again."

There's a moment of silence as Craig actually attempts to connect the dots. Of course it would be one of Butters' 'friends' to get him sent here but the reasoning behind it just doesn't make sense.

"And that got you in trouble?"

"Um, no. I got in tr-trouble for screamin' after he poked me. Ya know for disturbin' the class an' all. I really did try to keep quiet 'bout it but it just really hurt…"

Butters is rubbing his arm probably on the exact spot where he got hurt and his eyes squint at the memory of that moment.

Craig's eyes roll and he mumbles, not really expecting Butters to hear him.

"Of course you didn't get yourself into trouble."

"What do ya mean by that?"

While inwardly praying for the principal to hurry up and rescue him from this conversation with Butters, Craig decides to at least humor him.

"You couldn't get yourself in trouble even if you tried."

Butters' eyes narrow and his lips form into a little pout.

"I could get in tr-trouble if I want to! Just so ya know, Craig, I happen to get gr-grounded nearly every single day at home. I'm real good at gettin' myself into trouble."

Craig immediately regrets saying anything under his breath because Butters is actually being serious as if Craig's comment on his goody two shoes behavior was an insult.

"Never mind, Butters. Just forget that I said anything."

It's too late.

Butters is on a roll and he's out to prove a point.

"You r-really think that I'm just a lil' Melvin? Well, Craig, then ya must not know me very well 'cause I'll tell ya this, if ya ever met me in a dark alley an' if I was bein' my other self, well, then you'd know just how bad I am."

Craig's eyes actually widen at Butters' mini rant. Really who is Butters trying to fool? This is the same kid that plays Hello Kitty Island Adventure and sings songs about apples to himself. None of that is even slightly frightening to Craig or anyone else for that matter.

"Butters, just accept it. You're nowhere near being 'bad'."

He watches in mid curiosity as Butters quickly scans the room making sure that it's just them two in there.

Butters didn't want to say this but he also didn't like his toughness being questioned. So he takes a deep breath to prepare himself before leaning closer to Craig who surprisingly doesn't move away even though he can feel the blonde's breath on his face.

"Craig, I d-didn't wanna tell ya this 'cause it m-might jeopardize your s-safety. So ya have to pr-promise me that ya won't tell a soul what I'm 'bout to tell ya."

Craig turns his head and comes face to face with the blonde, whose eyes are narrowed and looking deeply into his own. The two boys rarely ever talk and Butters has already gotten closer to Craig than anyone before.

"Go ahead and tell me."

"Well, Craig, I'm gonna be completely honest with ya, okay? Truth is that I'm not just like any other kid 'cause sometimes when I'm feelin' a bit out of control I become…. _Professor Chaos._"

"Who's that?"

Butters pulls back suddenly looking at Craig in disbelief.

"Ya don't know who Professor Chaos is?

Craig just shakes his head no.

"R-really? He's the br-bringer of destruction an' the maker of d-doom. Ya…. ya really haven't heard of him, I mean, me?"

The name rang no bells and Butters' description of him wasn't familiar either.

"Was this like some dream you had?"

"What?! No, I'm Pr-professor Chaos! I become him whenever things need to be m-messed with."

"Oh, what kind of stuff does he do?"

Since Craig is stuck here he figures that he might as well be entertained by Butters' insanity even if his insanity is rather mild.

Butters lowers his head and for a second manages to be as menacing as a wet puppy.

"All sorts of evil th-things! Well, I've messed up people's orders and I even threatened to fl-flood the entire world. I mean it didn't really work out so good as ya can see but people were t-terrified!"

Craig actually nods his head in acknowledgement, usually he'd be bored as fuck right about now because he'd just be sitting here waiting for the principal to come back from her never ending lunch break and even if spending time with Butters seemed like torture at first at least the kid is proving to be a bit more interesting.

"So you do all these things when you become Professor Chaos but what about when you're not him?"

"Well, when I'm j-just me I usually just try and lay low so I don't do anythin' to crazy... oh, sometimes when my dad has me organize the p-pantry I purposely put things away in the wrong place then act like it's an accident! Once he ended up puttin' Rice-A-Roni in his coffee! I got gr-grounded for that but once I got up to my room I couldn't stop laughin'!"

"You know, Butters…."

"Wh-what?"

"You're still not very bad."

"Well, what can I do to ch-change that?"

Again Butters is serious and it's actually kind of weird seeing Butters this way.

"I don't know. Why do you want to be bad anyways?"

Craig watches as Butters seems to wilt back into his seat and bites down on his lip.

"It's just that….. if p-people think that I'm bad and t-tough then maybe they might stop bein' so mean to me. No one messes with Eric or any of those fellas 'cause they stand up for themselves and no one messes with ya 'cause you're a bad kid too."

"I'm not 'bad'."

"Then why ya waitin' for the principal?"

"Well….. Look, I'm really not bad. I don't do anything except flip people off but that's only because they're fucking annoying."

"Ya think that m-might work for me too?"

Craig tilts his head and eyes the blonde who's still chewing on his bottom lip.

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, do ya th-think that if I st-started givin' folks the middle finger that maybe they'd get scared of me and leave me alone?"

The answer to that question is obvious but Butters' eyes are back to sparkling and for one reason or another Craig can't bring himself to just give a clear 'no'.

"Maybe."

Butters gives him a smile and nibbles on his bottom lip once more before raising his middle finger to Craig. It's only up for a moment before he stops and his other hand rises to pull down the offensive hand. He looks down at his laps where his hands are at before looking back up at Craig.

"D-did I do good, Craig?"

Craig's brow is raised because he still can't believe this kid but at the same time there's something slightly endearing about the way his cheeks carry that red tint so naturally and how the corner of his lips rise into a shy smile.

"Uh, no."

All of the boyish happiness that had been on Butters' face washes away once again and his lips go back into an uncharacteristic pout.

"Gosh darn it! Craig, you gotta g-give me some tips or somethin' so p-people will take me seriously."

"Well, I guess you can start with your voice…"

"My… my voice? Well, wh-what's wrong with the way I t-talk?"

His words come out just like all of his other ones, broken and high. Butters' voice is just another trait that he gets constantly teased about. Craig's been guilty of it too because sometimes he'll mimic it just to get some laughs but he's never felt guilty about it. Plenty of people find Butters' very existence to be one big joke that everyone except for the blonde is in on. Anyways Craig keeps his mean hearted comments to himself most of the time or at least until Butters is out of hearing range. Not that Craig is afraid of retaliation because even after hearing about Professor Chaos and all of his 'treacherous' acts against humanity Butters still has yet to pose any real threat.

"You sound…"

Craig's voice trails off as he thinks of the perfect word to describe Butters'. There really is a long list of adjectives that would be appropriate and none of them are particularly nice.

In the end it's the blonde himself who comes up with the perfect answer. Butters' knew it all along but he just doesn't want to believe it's true.

"Is it 'cause I s-sound like… like a f-fag?"

There's no point in sugar coating it so Craig just nods.

"But I c-can't help the way my v-voice is! It's not my f-fault I've got issues with my sp-speech."

Craig knows this too. Sometimes he's even felt a bit at odds about his own voice. He's not particularly tall or big in any way. Actually he's pretty lean himself and at 5' 7" he's shorter than most of the other guys at school and his nasally monotone voice makes him stand out the few times he does bother saying anything. He's always taken a bit of solace in the fact that he's not like Butters, scrawny, baby-faced, and a few inches taller than 5' ft.

"Then just change something else."

As soon as the words meet his own ears Craig can't help but think of the absurdity of Butters being anything other than what he already is. It's sort of funny imaging Butters becoming this persona that he's aiming for.

"Hmm….. M-maybe I d-don't need to change anythin' 'bout myself. Maybe it don't m-matter what you l-look like but it matters more 'bout how you act. Do ya think that m-maybe that would work b-better for someone like me?"

Craig would rather just tell Butters the truth and that nothing can ever help Butters be anything other than the optimistic idiot that he is but at the same time he's curious as to what Butters thinks would be 'bad' behavior.

"What were you thinking of doing?"

"Um, well, I already tr-tried usin' the finger but that didn't work out too good. Do ya got any ideas?"

"What exactly do you think makes a 'bad' kid?"

"Sex, drugs, an' rock n roll?"

"What?"

"Th-that's what my dad said is b-bad."

"Oh."

Craig wants to say more on the topic and find out what other out dated thoughts Mr. Stotch has installed in his only child but Butters is already jabbering on about his plans.

"Well, I c-can't do drugs, gotta look out for my h-health afterall…."

Butters takes some time to think things over in his head and Craig uses the silence to roll his eyes. This just proves his point. Butters is way too focused on doing the right thing to be bad.

"Oh, I c-can sing pretty good, if I do say so myself, m-maybe I can j-join a band or somethin'?"

"No, being in a band isn't cool."

Butters brows narrow and Craig is pretty sure that he can actually feel the boy thinking.

"Well, I g-guess all that l-leaves is sex but I don't th-think I'm r-ready for that…."

"You're a virgin?"

The blush that spreads throughout Butters' face is a confirmation. It's not really that Craig cares because of course Butters would be a virgin. He can't even imagine what a sexed up Butters might look like. Craig doesn't consider himself gay but if anything Butters is cute not 'sexy'. That word sends a rather disgusting feeling down Craig's stomach. There's a lot of words he hates and that one is definitely one of them.

"Ya ain't g-gonna m-make fun of me for th-that are ya, Craig?"

It takes Craig some time to remember what Butters is taking about. Oh, yeah, the fact that Butters still has his v-card. Actually Craig hasn't had sex either. He imagines that anyone who's interested in _that_ is either looking to get intimate or is just looking for a one-time thing. Craig confuses himself because he doesn't really want to have 'intimacy' with anyone because that's another word that gets to him but he doesn't want to just have meaningless flings. It just seems that all his peers are looking for the love of their lives or too just mess around. Looking for love at this age seems like a death sentence to Craig and just an overall chore. Messing around is pretty much the equivalence of begging for STDs.

"No."

"Um, Craig, c-can I ask ya somethin' personal?"

If it was anyone else then Craig would have ended this conversation long ago but like stated before he wasn't in any way intimated by Butters. What's the worst thing that could happen? Well, actually, Butters could tell Cartman the answer to whatever personal question that Butters is about to ask… Craig shrugs his shoulders, if the question really is too personal he can just lie.

"Sure."

"Okay, well, are ya a….. a _virgin_?"

Now Craig isn't a prude by any means when it comes to the English language. In fact he's sure that he's heard every vulgar word there ever was before he even entered school, not even high school but elementary school. Craig's parents call themselves progressive but really they just have no sense of censorship. However the word 'virgin' just sounds so dirty on Butters tongue and for whatever reason that feeling resonates somewhere that Craig is actually embarrassed to mention.

"Yeah."

"Oh, I d-didn't mean to get in your b-business but it's just that s-sometime I feel kinda left out. All the other fellas ever t-talk 'bout is, uh, _sex_."

That last word has the same effect on Craig as 'virgin' did because watching Butters say anything that isn't PG is sort of…. Well, Craig still doesn't want to mention it because it's one of those words he hates.

"Well, I've never done it."

"Do ya th-think that you'd w-want to?"

Craig isn't sure if that was Butters propositioning him or if it was just Butters not thinking about the way he said things. Either way Craig can feel his own face threating to turn red at any moment.

"I don't know I haven't even kissed anyone yet."

Unlike Butters, Craig usually takes the time to think of what it is he's saying but for once the words have rushed out of him without warning.

"Oh, to be h-honest I haven't kissed anyone since the f-fourth grade but I remember it feels pr-pretty good, Craig. Ya sh-should really try it. I know I w-wouldn't m-mind doin' it again but no one r-really seems to like me v-very much."

Suddenly there's a new feeling rushing through Craig's head. He's never felt it but he's heard of it enough to know what it is.

Desire.

That word is yet another one on the list of words disapproved by Craig but that doesn't mean he's not feeling it. Everything except for the boy beside him seems irrelevant and Butters has somehow become….. _desirable_.

Craig wants so desperately to blame this feeling on his teenage hormones and Craig is never desperate. He just thinks it's so unfair for him to suddenly be wanting Butters because, well, because it's Butters. Craig's never wanted anyone or anything from anyone. He had always been content without sex or others because it had all been a waste of his time and had always thought that maybe he was asexual or something because he never did desire anyone but looking at Butters that's no longer the case.

Butters is staring back at Craig with wide baby blue eyes that have gone back to sparkling, his blond hair is seeming stupidly heavenly, and his lips look way too fucking pink and soft and all together inviting. Craig is going through all of his options but for whatever reason he isn't punching the boy in the face or flipping him off.

If it wasn't for Craig grabbing onto Butters' face and effectively keeping him in place then the force of the kiss probably would've knocked Butters off of his seat. Craig can't even think, not that he was really thinking in the first place because why else would he be kissing Butters?

It takes only a couple seconds for Butters to reciprocate and his hands are moving to cup Craig's face. There's a strangely warm shiver that travels across his skin as he feels Craig's tongue pushing against his lips and Butters, who has always been very accepting, gladly opens up allowing entrance and Craig is quick to do so.

Craig can feel Butters' heart beating as he pushes deeper into the blonde's mouth and he's quickly understanding why everyone else is so quick to turn any relationship physical. Craig's mind has always been based on logic and despite everything that he once believed there really is logic to kissing. There's a reason why kissing is considered first base because really that's what starts it all and thinking about all the possibilities is only making Craig's mouth move quicker and harder against Butters'.

Way too soon there's a feeling of loneliness on Craig's lips and when he opens his eyes, which he can't even remember closing, the reason becomes obvious.

Butters is red-faced and panting and his eyes are darting back and forth to Craig and something else and when Craig turns around he inwardly groans because it figures that **now** would be the time that the principal finally shows up.

**A/N: Ahh, I really, really love this 3 3 3**

**Okay, I'll stop being conceited now…**

**Thanks for reading!**


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